My dearest daughter

Dec 2 2005.. was one of the most beautiful days of my life. That lovely morning when the pregnancy test confirmed that you were going to come into our little world made appa and I the two happiest people in the world. This is it we thought, this would make our lives complete. You were the angel that we were waiting for. I prayed for a daughter. My mind was thinking years ahead of all the mom-daughter things that we would be doing. Shopping for clothes, catching on gossip, sharing recipes. I was determined to strive hard to earn the place as your best'est' friend. We couldn't wait for your little annan to wake up so we could share the news to him. Suddenly our little boy didn't seem little any longer. I was reminded of the comment made by his nursery teacher about how he adores the littleun's.

Suddenly feeling tired and nauseous did not matter any more, because that reminded me that I was getting closer to meeting you. Appa was suggesting that we should be rethinking our priorities, about getting back to our roots now that you are going to be here as well. I was thinking of dressing you up in pavadai-chattai, nethi chutti, kasumalai, little cute jimikis and ottiyanam. Wont my princess look adorable, I told appa.

Your annan was happy too. Appa asked him whether he wanted a sister or a brother. Annan thought it would be a girl and that he was going to name you 'girlbaby'.

Jan 24 2006.. I thought to myself that you being in me is the best new year present that I could have wished for. I have been waiting for today cos this will be the first time that we will hear your heart beat..When the cold gel was applied on my stomach, I was very excited and squeezed appa's hand. I could see your tiny self, the cute little legs, your heart beating on the monitor. I even thought that you smiled at us for an instance. It was such a beautiful moment. That instance is just etched in our memory. I casually glanced at the radiographer.. the intent and crinkled lines on her face worried me, I was suddenly scared.. Is the baby all right, I asked.. She hesitated. I will summon the consultant she said and dashed off. We were dazed and worried, appa tried to comfort me inspite of his agony and sadness. The consultant knows better, I'm sure the baby is fine, he said. Dont leave us, kuttima, I urge to you..

The agonising wait for another 2 hours which seemed like an era to us was spent offering bribes to God, save our child, please..please, is all I could say. Finally the consultant walks in to our room, apologises for the delay. The same procedure is repeated. Cystic hygroma, he says. The foetus needs to be terminated.

Foetus, I wonder, but this is OUR baby, OUR LITTLE BUNDLE OF JOY..

All the pros and cons are highlighted, well pros, who am I kidding? Just reasons and explanations as to why the baby should be terminated. I don't think, I really listened to what he said. Our world had doomed. I cursed the Gods, told him He was merciless and that He played cruel jokes with us. Why us? I plead.. appa
gently reminded me that we did not ask this question when we were blessed with other things in life. This is not fair, I sob. But life is never fair, appa argues. We have to go on.. appa urges, if not for us, at least for annan's sake. Spoke to amma and athai.. They were all very sad as well, for having lost you, their precious unborn grand child. Time heals everything. At least you have a son, look around you, there are so may women, who are unable to bear a child. Thank God for what you have, Raji they say.

We are finding ways and strategies to cope with the loss, but we come out unsuccessful each time.. It is believed that everything happens for a reason though in some instances we are unable to work out that math. It is too complicated, way beyond our understanding.

May 16 2006.. I still find it hard to believe that you will never be coming home. Corner of my heart is still expecting a miracle of some sort to happen, some magical means by which the day Jan 29 could be scrubbed clean and re written. You have created a void in our hearts that nothing can replace. A beautiful bud so
mercilessly torn and shattered before it had a chance to bloom.

Went to see the consultant for a final follow up up today. He confirmed that you were a girl.I knew that..I smile.. not that it makes any difference. We all miss you, we think about you almost every minute. Its as if I have known you for a long time. I never saw your face though I know that you would have been the most beautiful child that I have ever seen. Perhaps that's how God felt too, He loved you as much but not any more than we all did and wished to protect you from all harm and was too frightened to let go of you.

I think God was selfish at this instance for He kept THE BEST for Himself.

Some Random thoughts

After reading through loads of blogs, I've finally plucked up the courage to try my hand in writing. A blog to me is an online diary.. where I basically want to pen down how I feel, things that impress me, affect me, generally anything that interest me each day.. writing being the mode to relieve stress.. hmm lets see…

I read about education providing empowerment to woman, about having more choices.. but does it really? A generation ago, my mom's age..women were expected to be good homemakers.Working women at that age were a rarer few. Most of the women then worked in colleges, schools or banks, which meant they had a 9 while 5 job, they did not work on govt holidays or sundays and most probably all of them were part of the joint family system which meant grandparents had a fair share in household works and raising kids.

Come my generation, we all value privacy(!) which meant the joint family system went out of the window. Most of us girls did pretty decent at college, which meant we landed up with software jobs and although it is 9 while 5 on paper, never so in reality.. we work on weekends too. Some where along the line, our priorities changed, being a house maker was suddenly looked down and we all wanted to make big bucks. Work brought us across the globe, miles away from our homeland..money and career somehow took precedence over family. Brides of today are required to have suitable high qualifications and experience to find lucrative jobs in addition to basic home making skills.

I find myself being part of this rat race. I'm running not really because I want to win this race but to participate..be a part of the lot..This is the choice that I have made.. not that anybody made me take this decision at gunpoint…but the thought of being far away from my family and friends with whom I grew up has sort of sown the seeds of insecurity. A false sense of hope that money might bring that security. well, does it? I ask myself.. havent got an answer yet..

There are days when a sense of guilt just fills my heart.. like the days when I have to force my son to wake up in the mornings to rush him off to day care, cos I have a meeting at work. It teaches him discipline to stick to a routine, I convince myself but I know my heart weeps for him, the days when I have to forcefully turn off the lights when he longingly asks me for yet another bed time story half expecting what my answer would be, the days when I turn on the tv and allow him to watch some kids programme, so I can get some household chores done. Am I taking away a part of his precious childhood? I never know..

The days when I would like to make that special dish for dh, the one that I would know would bring a smile to his face and a joy to my heart. The time that could be spent exercising to improve his health rather than helping me around the house just because I'm tired..

There are things that I want to do for myself too.. like reading books of my favourite authors, listening to music, playing with my kid and doing more things as a family, but end up prioritising.. which means I dont get to do all the things in my wish list.. choices again I guess..

I chide myself now and again, saying that I crib about little things in life.. not counting my blessings.. I try to tell myself that I fail to realise the worth of what I have till I have lost it.. now that thought petrifies me.. I say a silent prayer to not lose anything precious in life.. hmm.. when will I ever learn????

As I pen my thoughts I realise that life is not picture perfect all the time, that I have to make the most of it..that I'm fortunate to have what I have and should be greatful for it.. that there are mild imperfections and flaws in life when viewed by a maginifying glass and but it is actually the wider picture that I should be looking at.. and yes I do see a much better and beautiful picture now.